The Future Me

Today, I saw her. At the thrift store, of all places.




I've kind of always thought I end up being an old but fabulous lady who wears fantastic secondhand clothing and dramatic hats and long hair. I wish I could have gotten a picture of her face. When I saw her, I was struck with awe. She was a real presence.

The Future Me, much like the present me, has a pet fish. A black moor that will swim around in a little bowl with rainbow colored rocks. I am going to name my fish Missy Elliott, because I really like Missy Elliott, and because it's black.

Jean and Jackie have a chat! Part 2

So tonight I sat down on the couch and never got up. It was the best decision I made all day, with the exception of the hummus, sprouts and cheese sandwich I ate today. It was a really good sandwich. Jean and I had a virtual hang out! It was totes virts. Here are the best parts:

Jean: I wish it wasn't Thursday, with the weekend I feel like it will be forever before our Psssssst gets here
did you see the package? loves it
Sent at 11:10 PM on Thursday
me: I know I can't wait for that to be delivered



me: I need an Internet Intervention
Jean: I know I have been online ALL DAY
I had nothing to do at work today
except talk to tards
me: everytime you mention the tards I laugh
Jean: me too
I'm not sure which one of them was funnier
both on the same day is super funny
it wasn't candid camera it was tardTV
me: tardTV!

At some point Jean and I started to say the same thing at the same time.

me: hello?
Jean: hello
something weird happened
you were gone
then I was gone
me: "technical difficulties"
Jean: real hanging out doesn't have that
me: That doesn't happen in face to face hanging out!
WEEEEIRRRRRD
Jean: we're sick

me: I also feel like I might be getting a cold
I need to find the airborne
Jean: take the airborne!
me: HAHAHA
Jean: oh my god
Jean: too bad there's no gmedicine
or gherbs
me: That would be nice

Jean: and also I still wish I could fly from my house to yours
me: Me too, that would be nice
I keep saying that.
Jean: or go in a secret, safe, well-lit heated tunnel
me: that would be so convenient!
Jean: and we could make it diagonal
we could prob get to each other's house so fast
me: we could walk to each other's houses in no time!
Jean: SICK

me: i am going to make some tea
i wish I could put you on speakerphone
gchat speaker

Jean: Ooh and we should know on that door and see if Tony is home
me: yes!
Tony!
Jean: we'll probably get shot
me: at least we'll be together
Jean: I'm not taking the bullet

Jean: I'm still annoyed she ignored my email.
cunt
me: that sucks!
CUNT

Jean: I have 7 minutes!
me: I'm going to be sad when you go
Jean: it says I have 3 minutes so if I disappear sorry
me: ok we should say our goodbyes now
Jean: ok good night!
me: night
It's been fun "hanging out"
Jean: TTYL
me: TTYL!

Here is the saddest part:

Jean is offline and can't receive messages right now because this chat is off the record.

Oh wait. She just texted me.

GLAMOUR SHOT

Freeloaders

Okay, I used to express my frustration with homeless people all the time. I think though, worse than true homeless people, are those jerks who just try to hustle you for some change. Like if they had a job they might be able to take the subway...but instead they conjure up a little sob story and expect you to listen to it. I hate giving away money. Anyway, there is this dude who I have seen twice now at City Hall. Both times he asked me for "three fourths of a dollar." I am pretty good at math, but both times it caught me off guard. Who asks for three fourths of a dollar? Assholes that's who. If you suspect that people will give you money because you are not asking for a dollar, you're wrong. I was not afraid to tell this guy "you needed three fourths of a dollar last week dude." And it would be much easier to just give him a dollar! I was really annoyed with him.

When I ride the subway now I like to sit in the single seat, that way no one who smells will sit next to me, and depending on the day, no one will be able to smell me. I wonder if people recognize me as the girl in a bright yellow coat who is always playing Solitaire? I recognize people, like this one mismatched couple who wear the same clothes everyday. The dude never wears a coat. He wears a navy blue hoodie and olive pants. He has a haircut that reminds me of 1993 and grunge, not in a good way. And his girlfriend always wears the same jeans and jacket. I wonder if they each have their own closets filled with a bunch of the same outfit. I hope so. Not so much because it matters that they wear the same clothes everyday, but because that would be really amusing.

Nothing is new around here, except that my hair is gone. Not competely, but almost. I decided to cut it off, and I went through with it. As soon as I left American Mortals (praise be to Sandi, who is my stylist soulmate) the first person I saw was a crazy old black man who said "I like your boots!" Then he added, "And you're a very pretty girl." I smiled and said thank you. That's one thing I DO like about crazy old homeless men, sometimes they come up with something that really makes your day. In this case, he reminded me that I made the right choice by cutting my hair off. Maybe I am a pretty girl.

RIGHT NOW

Tonight I applied the Brazen Honey face mask from Lush compliments of Ali. While the mask was working all of its magic, I did all of the dishes in the sink to settle myself before bed. I straightened up the living room. I washed off the mask, and my face feels amazing and clean. It feels good to clean up before bedtime. I guess because it's nice to wake up on a sunny, new day to a clean house.

I am almost ready to go to sleep. I am listening to the CD compilation that came with the Fiction Issue of Vice Magazine. I have fallen behind on my music consumption. I've heard of a lot of the bands but I haven't actually heard them. When track number two came on, "Secrets" by Total Abuse, my cat went batshit crazy and stuck her claws into my thighs and scratched my arm really badly. I guess if I was going to review that song I would describe it as violent, and distinctly not cat-friendly. Now Wendy is back and she is being sweet as pie. She must really like "It Doesn't Matter" by the Sunbears. Wendy has good taste. I like this song a lot better too. From now on I am going to review music with my cat.

Something that made me laugh yesterday was seeing a minivan parked near Broad and Wharton with a bumper sticker that said "If you don't like the way I drive, GET OFF OF THE SIDEWALK." The van was parked with its back left wheel on the sidewalk.

I have really come to enjoy my ride home on the subway solely due to the other people who ride the subway. No one talks to each other in the morning. Everyone has tired eyes, everyone is in a bad mood, and no one wants to go wherever it is they are going. But the way home has the promise of freedom! Freedom to lay on the couch for five hours watching reality television. (That's what the other people do, I presume.) It's a really great opportunity to overhear conversation. Today I overheard some snobby type girls talking about Bikram Yoga. I became mildly obsessed with Bikram last winter after trying it. It's my super secret resolution for 2009. Overhearing their conversation was sort of like fate, or what fate really is- coincidence. I have to go back, I have to go back.

Oh and, sorry to break the news but Party Boy is fired from Good Days and Special Times. So I am wondering if I should change the url name, or find a new Party Boy. This is something I spend maybe two hours a day wondering about.

Bon nuit!

Jean and Jackie have a chat!

Jean and I go "Off The Record." Here are some excerpts. You can read about us turning into Losers:

Sent at 8:10 PM on Wednesday
You are now off the record (from now on, chats with Jean will not be saved in Jean's account or yours) Learn more Cancel

me: Yo Im going off the record now
Jean: oh boy
what juicy shit are you gonna tell me?
me: I am watching American Idol it's really funny
Jean: that's some off the record shit
me: LOL
I can't believe I just wrote that, I was j/k!
Jean: oh my god
sorry I mean OMG
me: yeah jean WTF?!

me: I think I am going to make Stouffers french bread pizza.
if we gchat it feels like we're hanging out
Jean: ew
me: I dont know but it cracks me up

Sent at 9:18 PM on Wednesday
Jean: shit did you just see that commercial from the news about the baby named Adolf Hitler?
me: haha And yes I did@
!!
Jean: fucked up
me: That's just weird.
Jean: I'm really getting up now if sushi didn't close at 9 Ibet they close at 10. I hate places that don't have websites I don't want to use a paper menu
Sent at 9:21 PM on Wednesday
me: I hate paper menus

Jean: growing up one of my best friends was korean. he ate apples whole
me: I had no idea you had a male Korean best friend!
Jean: Karl
me: Korean Karl
Jean: and I dated his brother for years
me: I feel like we are really hanging out! I am laughing a lot

LOL! This conversation was manipulated a little bit to be funnier than it actually was, although I did LOL on multiple occasions.

Fresh From the Laundromat

So I just got back from the 10th St Laundromat. I brought my computer there because the laundromat has free Wi-fi but I thought it would be corny to blog while I was actually AT the laundromat as opposed to when I got home FROM the laundromat. It's so boring sitting around and waiting for the laundry. I try to pretend it's more convenient to schlep my laundry four and a half blocks to 10th and Ellsworth. Convenient only because it forces me to wash, dry and fold my wash all in one shot, as opposed to the luxury of having a machine, where one can laze about waiting hours before transferring wet clothes from one machine to the next, leaving the dry clothes to sit, telling oneself "I'll just fluff them for ten minutes before I'm ready to fold them." It's not convenient. That's why I only do laundry if I go to my parents or when I am completely out of underpants.

Okay, so that's the segue to my next topic. Underpants. Panties, if you must. My underwear ALWAYS ALWAYS falls loose from the pile and on to the floor. For some reason this embarrasses me. I liken this incident to dreaming of yourself naked in the high school cafeteria. Sorry, I do not feel comfortable with Mexican strangers eyeing up my panties. I just don't. One time, we went on half off day, and Max and I opted to share a washer. I was completely absorbed for the 24 minute wash cycle..."How am I going to transfer our laundry from the washer to the dryer without Max seeing my thongs?" Well, we've lived together for two and a half years now. He's definitely seen my undies. But it makes me uncomfortable.

So do the last four minutes of the cycle. Should I go sit down and pick up my magazine again? I always wonder that. It never seems worth it. Plus, sometimes you need to stake your claim on the dryer. Tonight it wasn't very crowded. I waited it out. Same goes for the the dryer to stop. I look forward to smelling my clean clothes and folding them with care, sorting them into piles, put neatly back into the basket. (There aren't many things I do neatly, mind you.)

So I'm waiting for my clothes to dry and there's this drunk old man loading a washer. He's talking to himself. I really want to avoid him at all costs, but I'm also curious. His quarters keep falling on to the floor. He's mumbling about it, so I say to him "You have to really push them in." He does. It works. I notice he has two large bottles atop the washer. It appears they contain aloe. The bottles say "aloe" on them and they're green. He tells me they're filled with soap and bleach. He's so greasy and the clothes he's wearing are dirty. He's washing colors and whites together, like me, except I don't do it with hot water and I don't use bleach- ever. I'm scared I'll use too much. He tells me he adds the entire bottle of soap, then the bleach. "That's a lot of soap!" I exclaim. It IS a lot of soap. It's too much soap. He asks me why the water is filling up. "You already put your money in" I tell him. The machine stops taking his soap. It's too much! He turns to me and laughs. "Most people think I use too much bleach!" Suddenly getting drunk before the laundromat seems like a good idea to me. "It is too much bleach," is how I responded. Sometimes when I am frank with strangers it startles me. It's like I am hearing my thought outloud, before my brain has processed it and before I decide if it's okay to actually say. But it was okay to say because I don't really think he cared either way. I watched him try to repeatedly pour more soap and bleach in the machine. I smelled my clean clothes and folded them carefully and walked home.

"I Dare You to Try and Quit!!!!!!"

I am watching "The Biggest Loser" for the first time ever. Can you imagine being told you is the fattest jawn EVER on the show? How's that for a blow to the ego? Not only are you fat, you are also the fattest. Aw shucks, now they just introduced the biggest dude too.

I have decided to postpone the Master Cleanse for reasons related purely to fueling up on extra toxins and drinking a few more nights away. I want to be extra toxic when I start.

Ringing 09 with 10 days of pooping!

I forgot to wish youse guys a Happy New Year from South Philadelphia. I had a really good time on New Years Eve, if good times are measured by blackouts. Note to self, and the rest of Philadelphia: Open Bar + vodka= NOT A GOOD IDEA. I have declared New Years Day the new New Years Eve. Hopefully if I stress this enough it will catch on by next year. New Years Day trumped my drunken NYE by far. The Mummers are the craziest Union workers on the planet. THEY know how to party. I danced in the street to songs like "Three Blind Mice" with men older than my father who were outfitted head to toe in sequins, feathers and complete face paint, totally shit-faced drunk. Love was in the air that day. If never you've experienced 2 Street on New Years Day, you're missing out. Get ye to Philadelphia for January 1, 2010. Word!

In other news, I've decided to take the Master Cleanse Challenge. I'm calling it that because it's going to be nearly impossible to not drink alcohol or eat food for ten whole days. I've read a lot of positive things about the Cleanse and I am wholeheartedly welcoming the shit storm. It's going to be nice to get rid of the toxins and then start fresh with new toxins. I hope I can do it. I also hope to save money by spending it only on organic lemons and Grade B maple syrup. Part of the reason I want to do it is to blog about it. I like a bonafied blogger now, I am taking on endeavors so that I can write about them. I hope to begin my challenge on Saturday, January 10, just time to be ready for the Drunk Spelling Bee on January 19th. Double Word!

"What blowjob is worth an arrest?"

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